How can I get the cute girl who lives in the dorm across from mine, to go out with me?
question by an anonymous supplicant, answer by Dan Harris-Warrick
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, whose advice on matters of the heart is second to none
> (except perhaps Dr. Ruth)...
> How can I get the cute girl who lives in the dorm across from mine,
> to go out with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 101 ways to get the girl who lives in the dorm across from yours to go
} out with you
} 1. Wave a flag out your window that says "Will you go out with me?"
} 2. Write love poetry, fold it into paper airplanes and throw them at
} her window.
} 3. "The Oracle said you'd go out with me, and he's omniscient, so I'll
} pick you up at 8."
} 4. Kidnap her dog and keep it until she agrees on a date.
} 5. Leave flowers outside her door every morning (preferably something
} without thorns).
} 6. Get her roommate to whisper messages in her ear when she's asleep.
} ("You want to go out with that guy...")
} 7. "I just happen to have an extra plane ticket to Paris, are you free
} this evening?"
} 8. Promise to do her Calculus homework if she goes out with you.
} 9. Call her up and claim to be Tom Cruise.
} 10. Call her up and claim to be Brad Pitt.
} 11. Call her up and claim to be Bill Gates (OK, forget that one).
} 12. (In a bland, CIA agent voice) "You could turn me down, but then I'd
} have to kill you."
} 13. Get a lot of fireworks, spell out her name and "Will you go out
} with me?" in them during her Observational Astronomy class.
} 14. Every time she looks out her window, wave at her.
} 15. "Wanna share a can of Jolt at 4 in the morning?"
} 16. Hypnotize her. Claim it's for a psychology experiment.
} 17. Kidnap her. Claim it's for a sorority initiation.
} 18. Bribe her. Claim it's for an economics project.
} 19. "I'm an advance scout for the Miss America contest, and you caught
} my eye..."
} 20. Pretend to be sensitive and caring. Bring a bottle of fake tears
} if you have to.
} 21. Smile a lot.
} 22. Have somebody big and burly accost her. Scare him off. (Make sure
} she isn't a black belt or something before trying this.)
} 23. Stand underneath her balcony and recite scenes from Shakespeare.
} (Not "Get thee to a nunnery", though.)
} 24. Drop love notes in her pasta at mealtimes.
} 25. Hang out in places she likes to be (except for the women's
} bathroom.)
} 26. Ask her out in Klingon. Women love those harsh, gutteral sounds.
} 27. Put a disk full of romantic poetry in her mailbox.
} 28. "I understand you've only seen Titanic twelve times. Want to go
} again? With me?"
} 29. Join all of the groups that she's in.
} 30. Register for all of the classes that she's in.
} 31. Camp out in the hall outside her room.
} 32. Tell her that you may have already won ten million dollars.
} 33. Put cookies in her mailbox (make sure she checks her mail more
} often than once a month before trying this.)
} 34. Phew...1/3 of the way done.
} 35. Ask her "Will you go out with me?" in as many different languages
} as you can.
} 36. "Veux-tu sortir avec moi?
} 37. "Willst du ausgehen mit mir?"
} 38. "Tli hochesh vstretitcya co mnoi?"
} 39. Usted desea salir con mM-m?
} 40. "I have a big ZOT staff."
} 41. "Studies have shown that people who date me have a 35% higher
} chance of getting into a good grad school than people who don't."
} 42. Leave a little stuffed animal and a note that says "Please go out
} with me!" in her mailbox.
} 43. Tell her you meant that she should date YOU, not the stuffed
} animal.
} 44. "Please please please please PLEASE?"
} 45. "You know, the Surgeon General has determined that not dating me
} can be Hazardous To Your Health."
} 46. Invite her to something she can't turn down without looking bad,
} like the meeting of the Coalition to Prevent Small Fuzzy Animals From
} Getting Their Heads Bashed In With Heavy Clubs.
} 47. If she says that she wouldn't date you unless you were the last guy
} on earth, kill every other guy on earth.
} 48. Start a newsletter about her. Hand-deliver a copy to her every
} day.
} 49. "How about having breakfast together? Should I call you or nudge
} you?
} 50. Okay, that last one was a little old.
} 51. But how many people are reading this far anyway?
} 52. Train her dog to bark wildly and lead her to you.
} 53. Mix up some pheremones in a chemistry lab.
} 54. Learn some Julio Inglesias songs.
} 55. Tell her that her parents wouldn't approve of you.
} 56. Dress like Mulder. He has a lot of female fans.
} 57. Get a TV studio and broadcast yourself onto her TV.
} 58. "Want to play Network Marathon with me? I have the new level,
} Total Bloodbath!"
} 59. Learn to dance like Fred Astaire. Win a local dance competition.
} Ask her to a dance.
} 60. Jump naked out of a cake on her birthday.
} 61. Hack into the school's computer. Offer to raise her grades if
} she'll go out with you.
} 62. Play hard to get.
} 63. Date her best friend and make her jealous.
} 64. Dress up like a baby. Sit in a basket outside her door one
} morning, cooing and "ga"ing.
} 65. Bribe the guy who writes the horoscopes for the local paper to
} write "You will date that guy who lives in the dorm across from yours"
} in her horoscope.
} 66. Send her quicktime movies of yourself being sweet and romantic.
} 67. Follow her around.
} 68. "If you go out with me, you will save the world from everything
} evil!"
} 69. Heh heh heh.
} 70. Fall in a vat of toxic waste and become a superhero.
} 71. Sign a big recording contract.
} 72. Become quarterback of the football team.
} 73. Call her every five minutes.
} 74. Leave lots of messages on her answering machine.
} 75. Make sure you have ways of finding out unlisted telephone numbers.
} 76. Give her a card with a "Hallmark" logo on the back.
} 77. "For a limited time only, anyone who goes out with me can get this
} set of Ginsu knives for only $19.95!"
} 78. Do a Tarot reading on her. Stack the deck ahead of time so that
} the only card that comes up is "The Lovers."
} 79. Never mind that the Tarot card "The Lovers" really isn't about
} love.
} 80. Put a full-page ad in the school newspaper.
} 81. "I have a beta of Rhapsody...I'll show it to you if you'll go out
} with me."
} 82. Use Jedi mind tricks.
} 83. "Hi, my name's Aladdin. Wanna go back to my place and rub my lamp?
} It'll grant your wishes..."
} 84. Become Leader of the Free World.
} 85. Give her a set of kneepads.
} 86. Dress up like her roommate and tell her lots of good things about
} yourself.
} 87. Don't bother, you're too good for her. That girl two doors down the
} hall from you can love you for more than just your body.
} 88. Find sexual innuendoes in every sentence she says. She'll love
} that.
} 89. Show her this list.
} 90. Buy ad time during the last episode of "Seinfeld." ($2 million for
} 30 seconds.) Use it to express your undying love for her.
} 91. Sign her up for the "Citrus Fruit of the Month Club." (Real club!
} I'm not making it up!)
} 92. Fill out a bunch of those "Bill me later" subscription cards in her
} her name. She'll love getting all that mail.
} 93. Use Photoshop to fake a nude picture of her. Use it to blackmail
} into going out with you.
} 94. Grovel.
} 95. Gravel.
} 96. Make puppy-dog eyes at her.
} 97. "Really? The English Patient is my favorite movie too!"
} 98. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." (Test answers, of
} course.)
} 99. Come up with something witty and charming that isn't on this list.
} 100. (Deep breath)
} 101. Just ask her out, for crying out loud!
} You owe the Oracle the ultimate pickup line.

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